For my first stream after more than a month, I did a tribute to Fred Rogers this past Friday. He was born March 20th, 1928. He's always been a role model and personal hero of mine, so it was a fitting return to Twitch for me.

I have three books of quotes from Fred Rogers – he wrote and said so many profound and insightful things over the years. I shared on my Mastodon the following quote of his:

At the center of the Universe is a loving heart that continues to beat and that wants the best for every person. Anything that we can do to help foster the intellect and spirit and emotional growth of our fellow human beings, that is our job. Those of us who have this particular vision must continue against all odds. Life is for service.

I share the vision he describes: I believe God desires good for us, and I have a desire to foster the intellect and spirit and emotional growth of my fellow human beings in whatever way I can.

This blog, live streaming, service in my church and community, being a good husband, father, neighbor, etc. – I hope that in some small way through these activities, no matter what obstacles I may face, that I am able to contribute in a positive way to this important work.

Because the older I get, the more I realize, as Fred Rogers understood, that life is for service.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 158) #faith #Lent #life

Some things I am avoiding:

• exercising regularly
• eating healthy
• fixing some things around the house and cleaning up my yard
• blogging consistently, and more about current events and politics from my perspective as a Christian and believer in nonviolence
• figuring out my relationship with God
• reading more books
• practicing my musical instruments
• accelerating my adoption of free and open technologies
• making and sticking to a monthly budget
• communicating with family and loved ones
• continuing my education
• working out an idea I have for an app and website
• making friends in my local area
• letting go of some material things I don't need
• doing a proper digital detox
• keeping a journal
• seeing a therapist

Some things I am coping with:

• loved ones and friends who suffer relentless mental and/or physical pain with no relief
• nagging doubts about my faith
• a complete lack of interest in my mind-numbing job
• financial worries
• personal health worries
• church responsibilities
• Twitch drama
• my country being destroyed by an authoritarian regime
• people hating and harming other people

I know that, all things considered, I have it pretty good. So why do I feel so bad?

Why can't I just pick a couple things from the list of things I feel I ought to be doing and just do them? It's like every time I try to start up, things eventually fizzle out and I slip back into old patterns and processes.

It occurs to me that some of the things I'm avoiding would help me cope better with the heavy things weighing on me.

I've got to keep trying.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 128) #life #mentalHealth #faith

The occasion was Christmas, of course. While it was a hectic week, I was thankful for the break from routine and change of scenery.

At the end of the week I was ready to come home and sleep in my own bed, but I was not ready to go back to my responsibilities and routine.

Getting away from all that for a week, I felt like I was starting to come back to myself a bit – to get out of the rut I feel like I've been in.

Even though I just came back from vacation, I feel like I need to do what Dr. Leo Marvin tells Bob Wiley to do in the dark comedy film What About Bob?. I need to figure out how to take a vacation from my problems.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 120) #life #travel #mentalHealth

We split into two groups and each group had a list of elderly people to visit – mostly widows and single ladies. At each home we sang a few carols and presented them with a little gift bag of treats.

A few of them asked us to come inside and they were all so sweet and appreciative of our visit.

And you could also sense the great loneliness that these sweet ladies experience every day – especially around the holidays. Some of them don't have any close family around. One even said she was going to be alone for Christmas.

AARP recently published an article about how the number of older Americans living alone is growing. In fact, they say 21% of Americans age 50 and older – 24 million people – live by themselves.

From the article:

In 1950, just 9 percent of all U.S. adults lived by themselves. Now 1 in 5 Americans ages 50 to 54, about 1 in 3 ages 55 to 74 and half of those age 75-plus are aging on their own, according to U.S. Census data. By 2038, the majority of people age 80 and older — about 10 million — will be solo agers, Harvard University experts estimate.

The article goes on to explain the different factors at work behind these numbers, but it looks like this trend isn't going to be reversed any time soon.

Is this a good or bad thing? It's a mixed bag. Many elderly folks who live alone seem to enjoy the freedom, autonomy, and independence, but many are also lonely, anxious, and overwhelmed.

My 75-year-old father lives alone 1,600 miles away from me. I'm fortunate enough to be able to visit him a few times a year because the company I work for is based where he lives. He seems to be happy enough, and he has a part-time job that he loves, but he is slowing down and is having more health challenges. He has nobody visiting or checking in on him regularly. His knees are getting so bad that if he fell, he'd likely not be able to get back up without help.

Dad knows that he'll eventually need more assistance – that he will likely need to relocate to be closer to family. But even then, he'd probably be living by himself and someone would be checking in on him.

I'm a pretty introverted person. I value my alone time. I need a lot of it. But I also need people. If I didn't live with my wife and son, I know I'd feel terribly lonely.

Every one of the sweet ladies we visited and sang Christmas carols to last night – they were overcome with emotion. They were very open with us about how our visit made them feel: loved, appreciated, seen. None of them wanted us to go away so soon. It broke my heart.

I don't think living alone is a bad thing. But we all need people in our lives so that living alone isn't lonely.

Is there someone you know who lives alone? A family member, loved one, neighbor? Stop by for a visit sometime. Just to say hello. Ask them how they are doing. It will make their day – and yours – a little brighter. Especially around Christmas.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 116) #Christmas #life #loneliness

Of all movies on my Amazon Prime watch list, I picked The Hiding Place. It's based on the true story of Corrie ten Boom, who with her sister and father ran a safe house and helped smuggle Jews fleeing the Nazi-occupied Netherlands during World War II. They were arrested and imprisoned, Corrie's father dying in a matter of days and she and her sister being sent to concentration camps.

It's a difficult, moving film to watch, and it wrecked me, but in the best way. It brought tears, but also clarity and peace.

In my last post, I shared frustration about the latest drama on Twitch and was seriously considering quitting as a streamer and viewer. But a line from The Hiding Place hit me hard. I actually had to pause the movie after hearing it and weep for a few minutes as it sunk in.

There's a scene where a couple members of the underground are talking to Corrie and her sister Betsy, asking them if they really do want to use their home as a safe house for Jews. Betsy says:

Truthfully, I’d rather do anything else. I’d like to close the door and never open it again until this whole hideous thing is over. But that’s me. My Lord Jesus tells me to open the door to whatever comes, to give His love in whatever way I can. And I will listen to His voice, not mine.

This is exactly how I feel about what I do on Twitch. My voice is telling me to quit. God's voice is telling me to give His love in whatever way I can. And I cannot deny that Twitch has been a way for me to do just that.

Several people have told me that tuning into my stream has helped them out of a dark place or made them feel good or brightened their day. And I have to believe that alone is worth all the trouble and drama that comes with Twitch. So I'll keep trying.

Another aspect of the film that moved me was Betsy's unwavering faith in Jesus Christ despite the horrific conditions of Ravensbrück concentration camp, where she eventually died. Their beds are infested with fleas and lice and Corrie says she doesn't think she can give thanks for the pests. But it's soon revealed that the fleas and lice are what keep the Nazis from going any further into their barracks than the doorway, giving them some privacy and freedom at least in that space. So they were thankful for the fleas.

There's another line from the film and something Corrie ten Boom often said when telling her story.

No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still; with Jesus even in our darkest moments, the best remains and the very best is yet to be.

And that's from a lady who survived a concentration camp. I aspire to have even a fraction of the faith in Jesus Christ that she and her family did. And it makes my problems seem so manageable by comparison.

I believe the very best is yet to be for me and for you – for all of us.

And now I need to add the book The Hiding Place to my reading list.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 114) #faith #gratitude #life #movies #books #Twitch #Christianity

I don't even know who said it first, but it's a good axiom: the best things in life aren't things.

In other words, there are more important things than money and possessions.

I'm realizing that I've been stuck yet again in a cycle of obsessing over things like finances and gadgets and technology and collecting music.

And I've been neglecting things of most importance. Like connecting and spending time with family and friends in real life. Taking care of my mental, physical, and spiritual health. Taking time to be still – to recognize and appreciate the beauty and goodness in life.

We can't take any physical stuff with us when we're done here. But we take who we are. Our experiences. What we've learned.

We can't avoid the need for things in this life. Food, clothing, shelter. It's part of mortality.

But physical things are temporary. Fleeting. Finite. They can't bring true happiness or lasting joy.

Focus on what's really important. Things that matter. Things that bring real meaning and purpose.

Focus on things that aren't things.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 112) #life #family #health #intentionism #mentalHealth

I told him community is important, humans need it, and that if I had to choose between using proprietary software and being isolated and lonely, I'd choose proprietary software.

He installed Zoom. I look forward to hearing about his experience.

I have been struggling to reconcile a lot of conflicting concepts and values like this in many areas of my life, lately. But an acquaintance recently tipped me off to a talk by Dallin H. Oaks from 1986 that has helped clarify some things for me:

We should also remember that the principle that the Golden Rule governs our earning activities is difficult to apply in practice. We should not consider employees responsible for policies they regret but cannot control. A decision that is made by the owner of a market should not inflict feelings of guilt on a conscientious but powerless Christian who runs the checkout stand. Similarly, a part-owner does not have freedom to impose his standards on business policies if he has partners who do not share his moral concerns. An incorporated business may be controlled by stockholders who have no concern for the destructive human effects of a profitable product or policy.

We live in a complex society, where even the simplest principle can be exquisitely difficult to apply. I admire investors who are determined not to obtain income or investment profits from transactions that add to the sum total of sin and misery in the world. But they will have difficulty finding investments that meet this high standard. Good things are often packaged with bad, so decisions usually involve balancing. In a world of corporate diversification, we are likely to find that a business dealing in beverages sells milk in one division and alcohol in another. Just when we think that our investments are entirely unspotted from the world, we may find that our life insurance is partially funded by investments we wish to avoid. Or our savings may be deposited in a bank that is lending to ventures we could not approve. Such complexities make it difficult to prescribe firm rules.

We must rely on teaching correct principles, which each member should personally apply to govern his or her own circumstances.

I also told my friend that we live in a fallen (imperfect) world and we have to do the best we can with what's available to us. But God knows our hearts.

I believe that if we are seeking to become more aware of the huge gap between what we do and what we know we should do, who we are and who we know we should be, and we are trying our best to close that gap, it is enough. We will always fall short on our own. But God's grace – the grace given through the atonement of Jesus Christ – is sufficient to bridge the gap and then some.

But choices still have consequences. So I will keep trying my best to align my thoughts, words, and deeds with correct principles, re-calibrate and adjust as I learn new information, and trust that God knows my heart and will accept my meager and imperfect efforts. I have to trust that, or none of this would make any sense to me at all.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 108) #faith #life #tech #Christianity

Breakfast is almost always a bowl of cereal. The cereal is almost always high-fiber – I'm so middle-age. Cracklin' Oat Bran, Raisin Bran, anything bran. And unsweetened vanilla almond milk. I actually like the taste better than cow's milk but my wife can't stand it.

My cat, Oreo, jumps up on the sectional sofa next to me and lays on or next to my lap. She always hopes I have the kind of milk she likes and that I'll share.

Depending where I sit on the sofa I see different houses. But I'm usually more interested in the trees and mountains behind them.

The houses are boring. We're in a modest neighborhood of homes with vinyl siding and half-brick facades in front, built in the 1990s. They all look similar and are not extravagant or very large, but nice. Yet so...artificial. Our 1,600 square foot house is the smallest on our street – probably the smallest single family home in our neighborhood, as I haven't seen another like it. We wanted it that way. Our family is small, and we don't need anything larger. I'm very thankful to have a place to live and to be in a nice, safe neighborhood in a good location. But the way we build things here just seems out of place.

Today the trees are way past Autumn peak colors. But most of them still have leaves. Muted dark orange and brown now, but still a bit of yellow. I should have raked the yard yesterday when it was unseasonably warm, but I read somewhere that leaving the leaves can actually be good for your lawn and for the environment as long as they aren't completely covering it. Yeah, that sounds like a good excuse.

And then there are the mountains. So majestic. So dependable. So unmovable.

This morning is cloudy. Sunshine illuminates the edges of breaks in the canopy accented by light blue sky.

The mountains quietly observe the march of human “progress” here. The sprawl of strip malls and parking lots and schools and churches and subdivisions full of houses and town homes and apartments in the valley below them. To them, a couple hundred years is the blink of an eye.

The mountains were here first. They'll be here long after we're gone.

The clouds are clearing a bit. Occasional rays of sunshine stream through the window. I feel the warmth on my skin. I can see our windows are dirty and need a good cleaning.

I should take a shower and get ready for church. But I'll wait a bit longer and enjoy my Sunday morning window.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 105) #gratitude #life #Utah

I encourage you to watch the film for the deeper context – I thought it was pretty good. But this simple phrase so eloquently and succinctly conveyed an idea I have been struggling to articulate.

Twitch is just one example of a broader trend that has existed in some form or fashion since the beginning of time, but has only accelerated with the creation of smartphones and social media. It is evident in what some have called “Selfie Culture.” A related term that has surfaced in more recent years is “Influencer.” With hints of “Reality TV” thrown in (and we all know “Reality TV” is far from reality).

We (I include myself in this) have become increasingly obsessed with drawing attention to ourselves. Performance. Fame. Seeking worldly validation and accolades from strangers. Platforms like Twitch, YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, and others have taken this obsession a step further and have monetized it. They are exploiting us by giving us financial incentives to exploit ourselves.

It's not only self-obsession that is being monetized, but human socialization. It's distorting our perceptions of what it means to be part of a community and to interact and connect with others. We are putting price tags on activities and experiences that are (or should be) shared freely in the real world with authentic people.

The things that matter most, the beautiful things, don't ask for attention. Life doesn't seek an audience or subscriptions.

Discuss...

#Twitch #SocialMedia #PositiveNotes #life

Sometimes I can almost forget it. But like my tinnitus, it's always there when I stop and think about it.

It feels like a chapter of my life may be ending. And I feel...mournful. Sad.

For over a year, streaming on Twitch – playing music from my collection – was all I wanted to do. It was the most fun I've had in many years, and brought back a long-lost love of collecting music.

I don't look forward to it anymore. It feels like a chore. Each time I stream, I enjoy it a little less, a nagging question in the back of my mind: should I just stop now?

I still love music. But I look at my collection – a hodgepodge of vinyl and plastic and magnetic tape sitting still and silent on IKEA Kallax shelves. Inanimate. Waiting.

Physical copies of some of the music I adore most in this world. A physical manifestation of twenty months of dedicated collecting.

And now I wonder why I've done it. I wonder if I want to keep doing it.

Other things are more important. I've always know it, but I was reminded of it when I took a break from Twitch for Lent. And I'm fighting myself. Because I don't want things to be different.

What would I do instead? I'm still trying to figure that out. But I don't have to keep doing something I don't want to do anymore – that I feel I shouldn't do – just because I don't know what to replace it with.

This much I do know. Slipping back into some of the things I gave up for Lent has caused me to lose spiritual ground. I'm losing perspective. I'm losing the will to read and write and contemplate and commune with God. I'm slipping back into a technological coma. And I feel it.

I thought the drastic changes I made – the self-imposed restrictions I put in place – would prevent this. It's not working.

I cannot allow the pendulum to swing back. Not this time.

It's possible I'm weighed down with other things. There's a lot of worry in my personal life now. Family stuff. And I'm feeling helpless as I witness my country, my home, tear itself apart. Maybe those concerns are casting a dark cloud over everything, including my beloved hobbies.

Or maybe Lent worked. Maybe I was able to spiritually reset and re-calibrate. Maybe I did get just the smallest bit closer to where I want to be in the grand scheme of life and eternity and I just can't go back now. Maybe I'm just not the same. And maybe I don't want to be the same.

Should that make me sad? Whether or not it should, it's how I feel right now. And I'm sharing how I feel because, as Fred Rogers said:

Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.

Discuss...

#Twitch #faith #life