It's a quote that's often misattributed to Gandhi. There doesn't seem to be a consensus on who said it, but that doesn't make it any less of a good quote. And it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately and trying to make some changes with it in mind.

“I wish more people would __________.”

“If more people would __________, I would, too.”

There a lot of things that I'm not doing that I wish I was doing, because they just make sense to me and I feel that they're good and right. But I don't do them, or I give up when I try to do them, because they're hard. Or nobody else is doing them. Or any number of other excuses I come up with.

But my conscience nags me. It's relentless. And maybe some of the discontent I feel is because I'm not doing as much as I could be doing to better align my actions and behaviors with my values. Maybe it's time for me to start trying to live the kind of life I wish I could live.

Lent has already been a time of spiritual change for me. I intend to keep working on that area of my life, but I've started making some temporal changes, too, and I will be sharing my experiences in all areas over the coming blog posts.

In this post I'll share some changes I'm making with regards to the technology I personally own and use, starting with my personal computers.

Aside from the company-issued laptop I use for work, I currently own three desktop computers and two laptops:

• HP Z240 Tower Workstation
• Acer TC-1760 Mini Tower
• 2019 iMac
• 2017 MacBook Air
• HP Laptop

I feel I need to reduce this list down to one machine instead of five, and I have chosen to keep the HP Laptop for a number of reasons. It's lightweight and versatile. I can use it in my home office or on the go. It takes up much less desk space than a desktop. It's much newer than the MacBook Air (which is long past its official support from Apple) and has much better specs.

I've also installed Pop!_OS on the HP laptop and have committed to using Linux as my primary personal computing OS going forward to reduce my dependence on proprietary non-free software (more on this in an upcoming post).

The HP Z240 workstation was my streaming PC for over a year and did the job admirably. But I recently acquired the Acer mini tower as its upgrade/replacement. I feel I can let both of these go because I've decided to stop streaming on Twitch and stream exclusively on PeerTube (more on this in an upcoming post) with a greatly simplified and less resource-intensive approach compared to what I was doing on Twitch.

I also am fine getting rid of the desktops because they tempt me too much to play video games, which I enjoy playing, but they tend to suck me in, make me lose track of time, and neglect more important things in my life.

The 2019 iMac is a fairly recent acquisition (it was given to me for free) and while it is still a very nice machine – especially with its beautiful 5k Retina display – I find that I prefer the more versatile wall-mounted dual monitor setup I have in my home office, which frees up more desk space. And I can use them for work and personal use, connecting them to either my work laptop or personal laptop as needed.

Another reason I want to let go of the Macs is because I would like to reduce my use of and dependence upon Apple products as much as possible. As with other Big Tech companies like Google, Meta, Amazon, Microsoft, etc., I don't trust Apple to do what's in the best interest of their customers – or humanity, in general.

This week I shifted to using the HP Laptop exclusively and will be looking for ways to sell or re-home the other computers, preferably to people who truly need them. Doing so will help me to simplify and streamline how I use computers and reduce the amount of proprietary “Big Tech” products I use. The reduced clutter and cables in my office are going to be most welcome, too.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 160) #tech #DigitalMinimalism #HomeOffice #laptop #intentionism

I think returning to Twitch has been a good thing, overall, as it has allowed me to reconnect with good friends I have made there and interact on some level socially with others. It has also reminded me how much I love and need music and enjoy sharing it with others.

It's also been a good creative outlet, so I feel less of a need to use my blog for that purpose. But I know I need to find a good balance – all things in moderation.

It would be easy to just throw up my hands and say “what's the point?” But I can't deny that I am in a better place with my faith now than before I started my Lenten observance. So it's been worth it.

A favorite passage from the Book of Mormon comes to mind, sometimes called “Nephi's Psalm,” that I can relate to so much.

Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I often read and reflect on this passage when I feel upset about my own failings and shortcomings – when I know that I still desire in my heart to be like Jesus but am forced to recognize how far short I am, and how much more I still need to change.

Sometimes I despair. But then I hope. Because I trust in Jesus Christ. Because I know that God is still reaching for me and I can keep reaching for Him.

“I know in whom I have trusted.”

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 159) #faith #Lent #Christianity

For my first stream after more than a month, I did a tribute to Fred Rogers this past Friday. He was born March 20th, 1928. He's always been a role model and personal hero of mine, so it was a fitting return to Twitch for me.

I have three books of quotes from Fred Rogers – he wrote and said so many profound and insightful things over the years. I shared on my Mastodon the following quote of his:

At the center of the Universe is a loving heart that continues to beat and that wants the best for every person. Anything that we can do to help foster the intellect and spirit and emotional growth of our fellow human beings, that is our job. Those of us who have this particular vision must continue against all odds. Life is for service.

I share the vision he describes: I believe God desires good for us, and I have a desire to foster the intellect and spirit and emotional growth of my fellow human beings in whatever way I can.

This blog, live streaming, service in my church and community, being a good husband, father, neighbor, etc. – I hope that in some small way through these activities, no matter what obstacles I may face, that I am able to contribute in a positive way to this important work.

Because the older I get, the more I realize, as Fred Rogers understood, that life is for service.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 158) #faith #Lent #life

As Terryl and Fiona Givens state in Chapter 2 of their book “The Crucible of Doubt,”

[T]he circumstances that define the reality of the human predicament are not a blatant choice between Good and Evil but a wrenching decision to be made between competing sets of Good.

...

We feel unmoored if our religion fails to answer all our questions, if it does not resolve our anxious fears, if it does not tie up all loose ends. We want a script, and we find we stand before a blank canvas. We expect a road map, and we find we have only a compass.

“Unmoored” is exactly what I felt like as I have examined my faith and encountered questions I couldn't find the answers to – or the answers I was expecting, anyway.

But maybe true religion isn't supposed to give us conclusive answers to all our questions or make us feel warm and fuzzy all the time. Maybe it's meant to make us uncomfortable as we are compelled to examine our own hearts in light of what we do know about what Jesus Christ has taught us – and as we try to make sense of what we don't understand.

This is nothing new. The New Testament is full of stories about the disciples of Christ being constantly made uncomfortable both by the teachings of Christ they understood and the teachings they didn't understand.

So maybe the fact that I am wrestling with questions is not the bad thing I thought it was. Maybe it's the point.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 157) #faith #Lent #Christianity

It doesn't help that, in addition to taking a break from Twitch, I deleted my Discord because I don't trust the company anymore. So I've been trying to seek out other online communities on IRC, Jabber, etc. but not really finding any that click with me.

I plan to reengage with Twitch before Easter while trying to be careful about not using it as mindless entertainment or background noise.

But I also realized: I have no real-life friends that live near me. My only IRL social interaction is with my family and my church community. I love my family dearly, but we need friends, too. And I love my church community, but I don't interact with them much outside of church meetings – with the exception of occasional visits in their homes as part of my leadership role, which I absolutely love.

Online friends are great, and I have met some genuinely good people that way, but electronic interaction is no substitute for in-person interaction.

We need people. And I need to make more friends in real life.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 156) #faith #Lent #Twitch #family #friends #loneliness #tech

The Givens make the case that there are different ways of knowing. We can learn much through reason, but not everything. We can learn much through emotion, but not everything. Reason and emotion don't have to be mutually exclusive, nor should they be.

They use art as an example. Reason tells us how a beautiful painting was created, but it cannot tell us what it means or how we are supposed to interpret or react to it.

In most of life’s greatest transactions, where the stakes are the highest, it is to the heart that we rightly turn, although not in utter isolation from the rational and reasonable. But whom to marry, when to discipline a child, when to let go of a dream, what sacrifices to make and promises to keep—these are decisions best made when emotion is moderated but not obliterated by reason, by logic, by “scientific” thinking. And these decisions are certainly made, not in the absence of truth, but in recognizing those very truths which logic and science may be powerless to detect. (“The Crucible of Doubt,” Chapter 1)

I had begun to think that some past experiences where I believed I felt the influence of the Holy Spirit testifying of truth to my heart might have been just me feeling really good at the time. After the fact, it would be so easy for me to rationalize them into irrelevance. But I cannot do that. Because if I am honest with myself, those experiences were more than just me being overly emotional. They were God communing with me. I know this because in those moments, I felt His love for me.

Do a camera, a DNA sequencer, and a full-spectrum lab report provide the truest, the richest account of who I am? Or do my spouse, my children, and my circle of friends? Love does not blur the reality behind the appearance. Love reveals reality. So why would we privilege scientific rationality over our intuitive, emotion-laden ways of perceiving truth? (“The Crucible of Doubt,” Chapter 1)

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 155) #faith #Lent #Christianity

Sundays are busy because I am serving as the First Counselor in my ward bishopric. I accepted this calling in the midst of a faith crisis as I allowed myself to question for the first time: “what if it isn't true? And if it isn't, then what?”

At the same time, I began a deep study of Catholicism. I have always had a genuine interest in learning more about other faiths, but my curiosity soon became a serious investigation and consideration of potentially becoming Catholic, myself.

This all began about six months ago, and my guiding mission statement at the outset was that I wanted to know God's will for me and to have the faith and courage to do it. So when I was called into the bishopric, I thought “well maybe this is my answer”. In retrospect, I believe it was, but until a few weeks ago I was struggling so much that I was seriously considering asking to be released.

So what happened? The turning point was when I read the book I mentioned earlier called “The Crucible of Doubt: Reflections on the Quest for Faith” by Terryl Givens and Fiona Givens. But it's simplistic to say it was the book by itself that did it. I see now that my reading of the book was the culmination of a series of events that led me to being open and receptive to the concepts and ideas the book explains. And it resonated with me in a powerful way.

That week I had been feeling particularly troubled and unsettled. I was praying, studying, pondering, and listening to podcasts throughout each day, as I had since the beginning of Lent (and really since before then). I had been listening to contemporary Christian music, as well, but then I discovered a vocal group whose music I can only describe as heavenly (VOCES8). As I listened to their music – and one song in particular that really resonated with me called “Even When He Is Silent” – I felt that I was finally reconnecting with God in a spiritual way after feeling disconnected for months.

It was in this spiritually receptive state that I felt it was time to read “The Crucible of Doubt,” which has been recommended repeatedly by Latter-day Saints who had left and come back, or who had struggled with their faith. But it was out of print and I wasn't sure I wanted to spend $30+ dollars on a used physical copy, so I bought the Kindle version, not having high expectations. I had recently read another book by Terryl Givens called “The Doors of Faith” that didn't really click at the time (I plan to read that one again with fresh eyes), so my expectations were low.

But, to my surprise, the book resonated with me so much that I read most of it in a day (not an impressive feat as it's a short book) rather than over several days. And more than once, the things I read hit me so powerfully that I had to stop and weep. The authors were telling me what God needed me to hear.

And as I reflected on what I read, my perspective changed. I was reminded of the richness and beauty of Latter-day Saint theology, how inclusive it is, how hopeful it is. I learned more about how God works through imperfect people, that our church does not have a monopoly on truth, that goodness and truth can be found everywhere. And I came away understanding that there is room in the church for people who doubt, who question, who really don't know for themselves that some or any of it is true.

But I also learned that sometimes, the very way we approach our quest for truth can be flawed and need adjusting. It can cause us to ask the wrong questions based on incorrect assumptions or to be completely oblivious to the questions we should be asking.

In the introduction, the Givens write:

Various faulty conceptual frameworks, or paradigmatic pathogens, may undermine our spiritual immune systems and create an environment where the search for truth becomes all search and no truth, where we find ourselves “ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.” To be open to truth, we must invest in the effort to free ourselves from our own conditioning and expectations.

When I first read that passage I thought “that's me – ever learning about the LDS and Catholic faiths for the past six months, yet no closer to knowing the truth than when I started.” I realized I needed to be open to the possibility that I was approaching my personal search for truth with flawed preconceptions. If there's one thing I had come to realize, even before reading this book, it was how little I actually knew about my own church's theology and history, let alone Catholicism.

The introduction is a great foundation the rest of the book. It made me want to make an honest effort to look for and think outside my own faulty framework. I am reading it again, and in the next several blog posts I plan to discuss each chapter and what I learned from it.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 154) #faith #Lent #Christianity

The title states the premise of that short blog post clearly. Jesus said “blessed are the peacemakers,” so why are so many who claim to be Christians enthusiastically supporting war and glorifying those carrying it out?

Coincidentally – or maybe not so coincidentally – I have also been in the midst of the “war chapters” of the Book of Mormon in my personal scripture study. These have always been difficult chapters for me to read, as they describe the horrors and futility of war.

I am heartbroken that too many of my fellow Latter-day Saints see the “war chapters” of the Book of Mormon as an instruction manual when they are intended as a dire warning.

Careful study of the scriptures – particularly the Book of Mormon and the Old Testament – show that war must always be the last resort, only in defense of personal and religious liberty, and only when God commands it.

In the Book of Mormon, Pahoran wrote in his epistle to Moroni (Alma 61:10-14):

10 And now, behold, we will resist wickedness even unto bloodshed. We would not shed the blood of the Lamanites if they would stay in their own land.

11 We would not shed the blood of our brethren if they would not rise up in rebellion and take the sword against us.

12 We would subject ourselves to the yoke of bondage if it were requisite with the justice of God, or if he should command us so to do.

13 But behold he doth not command us that we shall subject ourselves to our enemies, but that we should put our trust in him, and he will deliver us.

14 Therefore, my beloved brother, Moroni, let us resist evil, and whatsoever evil we cannot resist with our words, yea, such as rebellions and dissensions, let us resist them with our swords, that we may retain our freedom, that we may rejoice in the great privilege of our church, and in the cause of our Redeemer and our God.

How many stories are there in the scriptures about God's people turning their back on him and seeking war for their own selfish purposes, yet ultimately prevailing against their enemies? Very few, if any.

The Book of Mormon ends with the account of the destruction of the Nephite civilization, who had turned their backs on God.

At one point Mormon, who is leader of the Nephite armies in this last great conflict with their enemies, thinks the people are ready to repent. But he soon learns that he is mistaken.

12 And it came to pass that when I, Mormon, saw their lamentation and their mourning and their sorrow before the Lord, my heart did begin to rejoice within me, knowing the mercies and the long-suffering of the Lord, therefore supposing that he would be merciful unto them that they would again become a righteous people.

13 But behold this my joy was vain, for their sorrowing was not unto repentance, because of the goodness of God; but it was rather the sorrowing of the damned, because the Lord would not always suffer them to take happiness in sin.

14 And they did not come unto Jesus with broken hearts and contrite spirits, but they did curse God, and wish to die. Nevertheless they would struggle with the sword for their lives.

15 And it came to pass that my sorrow did return unto me again, and I saw that the day of grace was passed with them, both temporally and spiritually; for I saw thousands of them hewn down in open rebellion against their God, and heaped up as dung upon the face of the land.

Whenever I see a Latter-day Saint supporting or glorifying wars of aggression and using passages from the Book of Mormon to justify their position, I always think: “do you not remember how the Book of Mormon ends?”

Will we heed the warnings of scripture? Will we learn from the lessons of history? Will we listen to the One who said: “blessed are the peacemakers?”

I believe Jesus Christ was a great exemplar, teacher, and advocate of nonviolence. As one who claims to be His disciple and has personally committed to follow His example and teachings as best I can, I renounce war and proclaim peace.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 153) #faith #Lent #Christianity

Last night the bishop and I visited three families:

• A single mother and three of her five children
• A couple and their three daughters
• An elderly man who lives by himself and whose wife is in a care facility

Each visit was relatively brief, but special. We were able to get to know these good people a little better. We were able to pray with them. I hope they felt of God's love for them.

Visiting with the elderly man was a particularly sweet experience. He recently moved into our neighborhood after enduring years of being a caregiver for his wife as she suffered from dementia. It eventually got to the point where she was a danger to herself and to him, so for her good and his, she had to be admitted to a facility that is able to both deal with her condition and care for her. He also had open heart surgery a year or so ago and was on the operating table for over 8 hours.

His genuine gratitude for being in a safe home of his own, for being surrounded by good neighbors and a caring church community, and for being alive and in relatively good health was evident. We were delighted to visit and pray with him and he was so grateful for our company.

As I reflected on this experience, a scripture from the Epistle of James came to my mind:

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. (James 1:27 KJV)

Another version:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (James 1:27 NIV)

When we care for others and strive to live righteously, we are living “pure religion.”

As overwhelmed as I feel about my bishopric calling sometimes, I am grateful for the opportunities to forget about myself for a while and minister to others. I need to be better at this.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 152) #faith #Lent #Christianity

Worth reading at least once, it has given me a deeper appreciation for Stewart and his work. His style is amiable and his storytelling is engaging. From his humble beginnings to his greatest triumphs, he delights in his successes and owns his mistakes. He comes across as decidedly human – one who has had an incredibly interesting life.

A common thread is the people who made an impact in his life – good or bad. Meaningful relationships are a cherished part of his story.

As a former music student with plenty of performances in my time, I could relate to his live theater experiences on some level.

Few of us will ever have such talent or experiences. But after reading any memoir or biography one can’t help but think: how will I be remembered when I’m gone? I don’t want to be remembered for accomplishments or notoriety. I hope people would remember me as someone who tried to follow Jesus Christ and showed it in the way I lived and treated others.

Discuss...

#100DaysToOffload (No. 151) #faith #Lent